In the passenger seat was my high school boyfriend. We had become infatuated with one another senior year, and we were now facing the inevitable relational shift: going to different colleges. Our chosen colleges were three hours apart and neither one of us had a car or money. I was devastated, but a few weeks had passed and we were still in semi-regular contact. I would sign onto iChat everyday, and we spoke as if nothing really had changed. Breakups are almost unimaginably painful to begin with. So what do you do when you find out your friend, someone you also trusted, starts dating them?
This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight.
Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista.
Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined.
I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding.
Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship - you just have to follow a few simple guidelines. Don't gossip. It's common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush.
I'm going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.
Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life.
My Ex is Dating My Friend! How to Handle it and How to Keep From Going Insane
Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn't date him. Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you'll find a sympathetic ear.
However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact.
If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don't pressure her. But don't assume she doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked! In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don't push them to associate if they're not into it.
Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for friends and partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it. Set aside time for each of them and honor it - don't drag your lover along on girls' night out not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so bad about thisand don't invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home.
No comparisons. Don't do this ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you're going rock climbing with Sunday.
No matter what his answer is, it's going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody - even if you come out ahead - is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy. Your life will only get better as you realize that you deserve so much more.
Choose your next girlfriend as a person who will treat you as well as you are willing to treat her. You have a bright future. Just get through this one day at a time and remember that you are deserving of better people in your life.
Take care of yourself, exercise, do your best to sleep, stay away from addictions and allow yourself to grieve. Each day will improve and you will see the sunshine again. Hang in there! It really sucks now, but this is the worst of it. It will get better as you take care of yourself. You can make it. My ex-husband that I have been supporting both emotionally and financially while he was going through a rough few years I supported him because we have a child just informed me that he and my friend have decided to start dating.
How do I handle this? What a nightmare. I am so so sorry. In other words, keep business separate if you can. You kind of have to hold in your feelings if you want to keep the business. Shame on them. This is presuming there was nothing untoward before the divorce. I divorced after 9 years, and the last 3 were awful. My best male friend was there for me, impartially, during the most stressful moments, as he was for my ex.
It was during those moments of deep conversation, reflection and quiet understanding that we connected on a different level. This is a real selfless love we have for one another, not a childish retaliation or a rebound.
I also know that if he has loved me, he will see that we are all in a better place mentally to move forward and grow. Keep a level head. Spoken like someone who screwed her friend and her friends husband or ex.
To try to make made up excuses that make YOU feel better or trying to justify abhorrent behavior is just despicable and any excuses you make are just for your own benefit. Trying to make yourself happy while ruining someone else or devastating them and betraying them will never work. So if you want to live in fantasy land, go ahead.
Mar 27, I split up with my ex a year ago and quickly started dating. I met someone nice, but within weeks I discovered that my ex and my best friend had started a relationship. When I Author: Molly Ringwald. Jul 16, After I found out my ex and friend were dating, I cried for hours on my best friend's couch. There was a seam in the sofa that had been wearing away for years, pieces of . Mar 27, 5 Rules for Dating Your Ex's Friend (Also, Can You Even Do That?) Sometimes it seems like the universe just likes to laugh at your life. That's certainly the case when you find yourself attracted.
Look in the mirror honestly and stop trying to make excuses for your behavior. It is NOT ok and never will be. I could not have said it any better. Anyone who makes the justification in their head to make themselves feel its OK to do this is selfish and delusional. My ex husband confided in someone I considered a friend.
This woman congratulated us during our marriage and rubbed my belly when I was pregnant. Unbeknownst to me he would confide in her when we had our issues. They engaged in a relationship while we were married and flaunted it on social media.
This killed me inside.
I was numb and hurt beyond measure. To make matters worse I had to deal with this hurt and raise our 2 year old child who was recently diagnosed with ASD. I would ask him for help with our child and I was and continue to be hurled with insults and comparisons to the woman he is engaged to from him!
Throughout all of this. I have never mentioned anything to him about her. Gritted my teeth kept my head held high even though I wanted to crawl into a hole. Recently she reached out to me and wanted to in her words talk to me woman to woman.
Friend dating my ex
I did not respond to her text message. She then told me that I am spreading lies about her relationship with my ex husband and I am a bitter person and threatened that I should stop talking about her.
Jun 14, I think, "My ex is dating my friend" is very common, especially if you live in the suburbs, where everyone knows everyone. If you find yourself in this situation, here are some tips on how to handle it and how to keep from going insane: 1. Your ex and "your friend" are the ones who should feel stupid, NOT YOU! Mar 17, It doesn't matter how long you dated your ex, who broke up with who, or if you're still sometimes hooking up with him, it still feels like a slap in the face to find out your friend is dating him.I mean like Gretchen Weiners said, ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends, that's just like, the rules of susanneill.com the reality is that it happens, and sometimes it happens to you.
I prayed about it and realized that her wanting to talk to me was about them trying to appease their guilt and furthermore I was not married to her, but their failure to recognize their wrong and wanting to engage in the relationship tells me talking to them about it would not help me. It would only hurt my progress. Dealing with divorce coupled with betrayal and the mix of what life throws your way is so very difficult.
That is adding insult to injury.
Jun 04, Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship - you just have to follow a few simple guidelines. 1. Don't Author: Lindsay King-Miller. I think, "My ex is dating my friend" is very common. If you find yourself in this situation, here are some tips on how to handle it and how NOT to go insane: 1. Your ex and "your friend" are the ones who should feel stupid, NOT YOU! What they are doing is really uncool and unacceptable. YOU have done nothing to warrant their behavior. 2. Apr 12, Resist the temptation to badmouth your ex. If you find out that your friend is dating your ex, you might feel the urge to dish the dirt on your ex or sabotage the relationship. Ultimately, however, this could just end up damaging your relationship with your friend%(28).
Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph Divorce is a journey. Read articles on Thinking About Divorce.
Getting Divorced. Kids, Coparenting and Single Parents. Dating, Relationships and Sex. Health and Wellness After Divorce. Sheila My 10 year old son has requested to go live with his Dad.
March 28th, Reply. Kayla My ex-boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday, because of the girl that is now currently dating him. Kelly This is funny, ironic funny. May 6th, Reply. Samantha My husband of 10 years and my best friend left me for each other. December 18th, Reply. Nicole Geiger I feel very blessed to have found this article. September 10th, Reply. Diamond Chandler thanks this kinda helped but one question do i talk to them or ignore them December 6th, Reply.
December 7th, Reply. Ann Your kids will figure it out.
My Friend Is Dating My Ex - Dating 101
December 23rd, Reply. Justin My not yet ex wife is dating my best friend of 20 years after two weeks he has already said he loves her. Jackie Pilossoph I am so sorry!!! January 19th, Reply. Anne Your life will only get better as you realize that you deserve so much more.
February 18th, Reply. February 19th, Reply. Carol My ex-husband that I have been supporting both emotionally and financially while he was going through a rough few years I supported him because we have a child just informed me that he and my friend have decided to start dating.
January 21st, Reply. Jackie Pilossoph What a nightmare. January 23rd, Reply. February 1st, Reply.